


Playground for idiots

by remymorton



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Established Relationship, Everybody is human, Fanart, Happy Ending, Heaven, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Kissing, M/M, Minor Angst, Minor Original Character(s), Misunderstandings, No beta we fall like Crowley, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), little flashback, one is a law firm and the other is a porn company, pandemonium, porn but not that porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:21:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22130215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remymorton/pseuds/remymorton
Summary: Human!AUCrowley and Aziraphale have been together for a year now and everything would be good and nice, ... if Aziraphale wouldn't think Crowley was cheating on him or ... if Crowley's  co-workers wouldn't think that Aziraphale is a porn actor...Or, even a small misunderstanding can  cause big confusion.
Relationships: Anathema Device & Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub & Gabriel (Good Omens), Hastur & Ligur (Good Omens)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 75





	Playground for idiots

"I think Crowley cheated on me." sighed Aziraphale in his bookshop, then he held the phone away from his ear because Anathema's laugh was too loud. But Aziraphale wasn't kidding, and she realized it a few seconds later when she noticed that the other person wasn't laughing with her.

"No way." replied Anathema.

Anathema had known Aziraphale for a long time. He was her first friend after she moved to England, three years ago. Then, when the girl lost her job and found a new one after several weeks of searching, she also met Crowley, whose assistant she became.

She had never had a boss like Crowley, they got along well. If she had to characterize him, she would have said he was a nice asshole. He was cunning, with violent temper. With a strange sense of humor. With a specific style. His clothes and the Bentley were examples of this.

He was like a puzzle piece - a puzzle piece with black glasses - and Anathema knew where his match was.

Therefore, after several unsuccessful attempts to persuade Crowley on a blind date with Aziraphale, she switched tactics. One day when she brought the photos about a dozen clients in his office, also put a photo of Aziraphale between them, then she went back to her desk and waited. It didn't take a minute and the office door opened, Crowley walked over to her and showed the photo of her friend.

"Who is he?"

After a single date, Crowley courted the blond-haired man like a bulldozer. He was unstoppable and persistent. It's been a year now, and they've been together ever since.

So when she heard what Aziraphale said at the other end of the line, she laughed.

But it wasn't a joke.

"Did you seriously said that?" asked Anathema while she pushed her luggage in front of her at the airport. She had her phone in one hand. She was traveling to America to her family for one week.

"Maybe his feelings for me are gone." answered Aziraphale. He walked between the shelves - as long as the phone's cord length allowed - and put the books back. None in the right place. He was nervous.

"Bullshit. Crowley goes crazy for you." said the girl and stepped to the end of the luggage check line. There were at least twenty people before her.

Aziraphale thought back to the last few weeks - which had become chaotic enough - and the fact was that Crowley had changed. He was moody, tense and grumpy. More than usual. He got up early and arrived late, barely saw each other and they lived together. When he was home, he was like a wild snake released in the flat. Crowley was constantly worked, sometimes even on weekends, but maybe it was just a cover story and he was spending his time with someone else.

He didn't really thought about this scenario until a magazine fell into his hands and one of its article - titled " _10 Signs your partner is unfaithful, or when you need to throw out the lying pig!_ " - created uncertainty in him.

"Double bullshit." said Anathema when he told her his doubts. "That waste of paper is only good for to question everything in and around you. You threw that trash away, didn't you?

"Um, yes." he hesitated, then looked at his desk, where the magazine was under a book.

"Good." she agreed. "And with Crowley, surely it is only the pressure of his work."

"I thought about it, but then, why didn't he tell me? I don't want to bother him, I want him to tell me by himself if he have a problem. He may not trust in me? When I asked him how was his day, he always said it was good. Then he quickly changes the subject."

Anathema knew what Crowley's job consisted of, she was his assistant. She did quite well with the others, Newton, Hastur, Ligur, Madame Tracy, - who was a medium in her second job - and the working conditions were surprisingly good. This was Beelzebub's merit, who owned the company. They maintained order with fear. It worked.

What Anathema didn't know, was that, Crowley hadn't told Aziraphale what exactly his job was.

Aziraphale knew where his partner worked - when they first met, Crowley talked about it, among other things, while he was so drunk he thought the trash can was following him. While he helped him to go home, Crowley pointed at a sky-high, almost all-glass building in the business district. Crowley said he was a manager. Which was true, but not the whole truth. Then he sang loudly a Queen song.

Then this morning, he found this magazine - more specifically, one of Crowley's gossip magazine and his imagination was unleashed.

"Well, Crowley is not the type who shouts his problems into the world." Anathema began, and Aziraphale was quickly ashamed of himself to questioned Crowley love and loyalty.

"You're right. It must be work." he nodded.

"Especially because the whole department is working on an important project right now." continued Anathema, while there were only two people in front of her. " I almost had to beg them to let me go for a whole week. Not exactly the best timing. "

Aziraphale was only half payed attention to her.

He remembered the beginning of their relationship when the red-haired man lavished him with gifts, sweets and dinner invitations. Aziraphale thought the other man was simply very friendly. He was a little disappointed because he liked him a lot, but if Crowley just wanted to be his friend, then that was good for him too. At least a month passed, when he realized that Crowley had been courting him.

Six months later, they moved together, in fact Aziraphale moved in the flat. At first he felt that Crowley's home was cold, too modern and impersonal, but then he understood that the less Crowley's personal possessions were, the more important they were to him. He didn't accumulate anything unnecessarily. Not like Aziraphale, who would have been in a big dilemma, if he hadn't had a bookshop. Otherwise, in they flat the books would have reached the ceiling.

When they went somewhere together, he saw that others were looked at his partner, there were some who turned after Crowley. He knew Crowley was very attractive. He wasn't jealous, it didn't bother him.

Maybe just a little bit ...

Those people only saw the surface, they didn't know there was more in Crowley. They didn't know how much he loved his Bentley, astronomy, alcohol, fashion, sleep and his plants. There was a room in their home where only those were. Like a small garden. It was beautiful, green and healthy.

And they certainly didn't know that Crowley could love very, very much. Aziraphale sighed lovingly, he was sure he had found the love of his life.

" ...phale. Aziraphale! Are you there?" Anathema's voice pulled him back from his memories. "Listen, I have to put it down, one of the security guards looks very sharply at me, but I advise you not to chew yourself. Instead, do something, like have lunch together. I know he often calls you at lunch time... "

Crowley called Aziraphale every lunch break.

"... there's a very good restaurant in the area, Crowley use me to bring his lunch from there ..."

Aziraphale liked the idea. He also decided to implement it.

"... then the others found out, and now I bring them their food. Have you ever tried to carry twenty boxes of food and not to drop it on the floor? It's crazy that there is no food delivery ..."

He quickly found the keys to the bookshop and checked that there were no customers in the shop. He didn't want to lock in someone by accident.

"... what am I? Waiter? What? Oh! ... Yeah, I know I need to hang up, take a second ... Aziraphale, I'll put it down now because I think they will tear the phone out of my hand." Anathema replied and hung up after she said goodbye.

Aziraphale flipped the signboard on the main entrance, so the word " _closed_ " appeared from the outside. Then he closed the door and left.

* 

It wasn't Newton's day. Judging by the angry crowd, it wasn't over. And it was only 11 in the morning.

Crap.

Newton Pulsifer worked for the Pandemonium production company for two years, but in the post office. There, he didn't have to deal specifically with computers. The envelopes and packages were not short-circuited or turned themselfes off as soon he touched those. He loved his job, well paid, easy and had another positive which made the work pleasant.

Anathema.

He liked her, and it seemed to be mutual.

They talked every day when they were on break.

Except today. Because she went to her family for a week. He was a little sad about this, but he didn't have time to grieve for long, because it turned out that Madame Tracy was also not here. She got sick.

She was the receptionist to all the companies in this building. 

After some reorganization, Newton was put behind the reception desk because his CV showed that he had a good understanding of computers. Yes, but only in theory, in practice, he was a disaster.

Like now. Nothing proved this better than the gathered, impatient people who are about to tear him to pieces.

Already agreed dates were mixed up and he couldn't record new ones, while the receptionist's phone kept ringing. People were angry and impatient. He tried to figure out which appointment where belonged to. He hoped at least he hit the most, but if he had some luck today, they wouldn't have put him here, obviously.

When the last angry man - a young guy who talked to him in humbling way - got into the elevator, Newt sighed.

"Excuse me."

* 

Aziraphale saw the boy twitched. He smiled reassuringly at him.

"Did you come to the 11 o'clock meeting? Or the audition? Or came from the tax authorities again?" asked Newt frightfully as the computer turned off by itself.

"No, I actually want to know on which floor is Anthony J. Crowley's office." he told him.

Newt calmed down a bit. At least he knew that for sure. He was Anathema's boss.

"Mr.Crowley's office is on the sixteenth floor. Do you want me to notify him?" asked Newton, while the phone continued to ring, four lines at a time.

"No thank you." said Aziraphale. "I have an appointment with him. He's already waiting for me." he knew he lied now, but he didn't want to look suspicious. He hurried to the elevators quickly. 

Newt vaguely remembered that Mr.Crowley had a registered appointment today, so - and because the computer was started to smoke - he didn't start suspect. Instead, he looked for the fire extinguisher.

* 

"... ley ... Crowley! ... Crowley, you damn asshole, I've been talking to you for a half an hour! Did you even heard what I said at all?!"

Usually, if someone said he had been running his mouth for half an hour, that was not what it meant. They just wanted to give their words a weight. In this case however Hastur was really spoke for 30 minutes, and Crowley simply ignored him by sleeping. The black lenses in his glasses helped a lot, so nobody could saw when his eyes were open and closed.

"Yeah." lied Crowley. So what.

He was at a meeting, hopefully it's was soon over, because he was already bored. He looked around and realized he wasn't the only one. Besides him, six more people sat around the table - and there was more life in the artificial plant in the corner than the people in the room.

Hastur gave him a sharp look - he was holding the meeting now - and then continued.

Usually, he didn't hold the meetings, it was Bee's responsibility - who should never be called that way face to face if you wanted to do good to yourself - their boss, whose empty chair at the head of the table also had a menacing aura.

Crowley suppressed a yawn and felt he needed a little alcohol ... or more. But he never drank during his working hours, and he didn't kick this habit for weeks of strenuous work. Of course, the others were tried to. That's why Hastur was so "happy" and Dagon wasn't awake by herself but because she has already drank five coffees - both hands in gloves were already shaking slightly.

The open folder - in front of Azazel - only purpose was to cover the phone because he played online poker, and Raum tried to open a bag of chips in the quietest way, and Belial flipped a lingerie catalog under the table. And Ligur ... well, even a rock would have show some emotions, not like him.

If Bee had been here, would not have tolerated this behavior, they boss would have minced Azazel's phone in the shredder and then them too. Just like an adult film industry leader would do it.

Yes, the Pandemonium production company specialized to the porn. Online adult movies and sexual aids of all kinds. Crowley worked as a manager for 10 years and in his opinion this job was no different from any other jobs. His work included the relationship between the actors and the company, to make everything legal. He was responsible for the security of both parties.

And this project was important to the company. It meant a lot of money and even more connections, which would gave the leader position to the Pandemonium. Today was the last day to complete the preparations. Filming began on Monday. Everything was ready, so ...

"Have the contracts been signed with each actors?" asked Hastur.

There was silence in the room, and Crowley realized that the question was for him.

"Yes. Almost. With one exception." he said, and pulled out the signed contracts from the pile of paper lying in front of him. "By lunch, it will be done." he said and pushed the signed contracts to Dagon, who arranged them.

"What the hell? It's already been 11 o'clock. You know what that means?"

"That the guy has 50 minutes still to get here? Have you saw his photo anyway? He has the innocent face of a holy pot who just escaped from a church."

"Hey, the right character is important to the story." Belial interrupted and because of his indignation, he hit the desk with his catalog. He was the project screenwriter.

"By the way, the story has more twist than a roller coaster." Azazel glanced up from his cellphone. He was responsible for the projects budget. "Haven't you heard, that less is more?"

"This is called talent, that will become quality and that will make a lot of money. Haven't you heard, the more the better?"

"The wheel first, then the light bulb. Then a quality porn movie. Well, yes, the world is evolving."

"Yeah, I believe it's not so exciting for you, but not everyone will be excited about licking babes high-heeled shoes."

Well, it seemed that Belial and Azazel are about to attack each other, maybe this meeting was not so boring. And on Hastur's temple began to pulsate a vein.

"Enough!" then he turned to Crowley. "If I don't have the contract signed by noon, you take his place."

"You want to see my ass so much? Kinky Hastur, kinky. What would your boyfriend say to this?"

"Shut up!" growled Ligur.

Crowley learned that Hastur and Ligur are lovers - or whatever the name of what's between them - by caught them in the janitor room once.

"I suppose the discussion is over if you are arguing like degenerates again." Dagon interrupted. "Or is there something else?" she asked. "Because the lunch break has just begin." Hastur just sighed irritably, but he actually finished the discussion.

Azazel nudged Raum and they quickly left the room with Belial. Dagon must have gone for her sixth coffee.

And Crowley left the room with a slack walk that even a gymnast would envy. No one needed to know how much tension he was inside. He had already regretted letting Anathema leave, especially for a week. He usually sendt the girl for such meetings instead of himself, who then succinctly and understandably summed the point for him. But she played the trump card, wich was, that she brought Aziraphale and him together. Then she looked at him with huge, puppy eyes.

To be honest, Crowley had met Aziraphale before Anathema's trick - one Friday night when he got so drunk, he hugged a lamppost on the street and muttered to himself, then somebody came to him. He looked up. And he would have sworn he suddenly heard the song "At Last" when he saw his angel - who, with his kindness and helpfulness, immediately took Crowley off his feet.

But back to work.

He took his phone out of his pocket and saw that the mentioned porn actor had left him a message at the work phone number. 

_Arrived_. 

He was already in the elevator. Crowley grinned and looked at Hastur who was behind him.

"Would the vein be less pulsating on your temple if you knew whathisname just coming up with the elevator. No matter how much your threat was tempting, you can still just admire my divine body dressed. "

Within seconds, he can throw the signed contract into Hastur's face and then finally the things will be calm, for a while at least.

Hastur opened his mouth, but Belial was faster.

"Hey, where's Device? I haven't saw her yet."

"She's on vacation for a week." Crowley stopped near the elevator.

"Who goes down for the food then?"

"Your grandmother!" he threw the words at him. "Use your own assistant, not mine. And that applies to you as well." Crowley looked all of them .

"I'm scared of mine." confessed Belial.

"And mine is drooling too much. And by that I mean he keep spitting while talking. I don't want him near my food." said Azazel.

"And my assistant is constantly chattering with her girlfriend on the phone. Even during working hours."

"Your assistant is a woman, right?" asked Belial.

"Yeah." sighed Raum.

"Nice." said Azazel as he looked up from his phone for a moment and then stopped at the elevator with the others. "Asmodeus and Lilith are coming, the latter sent a message that she would pour glue into our coffee if we didn't wait for them."

It seemed not just Crowley had to make friends with the idea of he had to get his lunch himself.

Meanwhile, the numbers on the elevator screen alternated, until the number sixteen in bright red finally appeared. After that, the doors opened and instead of whathisname, Aziraphale stepped out of the elevator.

And Crowley suddenly remembered the additional details after they met.

After a hangover weekend - two days in front of the TV, with a bag of biscuits and a vomit bucket - he went to work Monday morning in a bad mood - the morning traffic was worth a stroke anyway. Another jerk cut in front of him and then - after some mutual shouting - he saw Aziraphale for a moment. Then he drove almost to a fire hydrant.

"Hello." Aziraphale greeted them all with an innocent smile on his face.

But now, Crowley felt as if he had crashed to that hydrant. He stared back silently at Aziraphale, his angel, his life, his best friend, his love. He only saw him, completely forgot the others.

But it didn't last long ...

"He really looks like he's escaped from a church." said Azazel, and the others agreed.

Crowley picked up his cellphone and quickly looked at the latest message from whathisname. He realized two things. First, the message arrived earlier. The guy should have been here already. Where the hell was he?

Second, the others believed Aziraphale was a porn actor.

* 

Crowley's office was best described with minimal and modern words, mostly with dark colors, that were found in the leather sofa and in the huge working desk. Behind the desk was Crowley's own chair, which was more like a throne. The wall behind it was a window all the way, partially covered by curtains.

Also, a plant received place in the room, of course, not an artificial plant.

What was more alive than the plant was a snake, sunbathing in a terrarium which was placed on the edge of the desk. 

A white snake. His name was Raphael, and had been in Crowley's possession for almost two years, or as the snake called him, - hissed him - master. Raphael loved his master, he did gave him everything he needed. Food, warmth and great hiding places. Sometimes he even let him out of the terrarium, which had an opening. Most of the time, that opening was closed.

Now, Raphael raised his tiny head in fright as Crowley's office door suddenly opened. His nervous master stormed into the room, behind him an unknown person, whom he dragged with him. Then slammed the door behind them.

Raphael pressed his nose against the glass and watched as his master stepped in front of the unknown person.

* 

Crowley was not ashamed of his job. In fact, he even liked his job. A little. Although, it was definitely better than his previous job, where he felt every day he was gutted spiritually and mentally. He lasted there for three years, then gave up when with a little luck, he found a new place. 

Every time he mentioned what kind of industry he worked, people generally thought he was joking, and some of them thought he was actually a pimp.

Therefore, when fate gave him Aziraphale, he didn't told him exactly what he was dealing with. He wanted his angel get to know him better, and meanwhile, he also learned a few things about Aziraphale. For example, he got his name from an angel, he loved sweets, books, good wines, and his family was extremely religious and conservative.

He wasn't afraid of course, he was a thirty-five year old adult man who worked, had his own apartment, and had an expensive Bentley. And yet ...

Aziraphale was old-fashioned in many ways, though he was only a year older than him, but Crowley loved him as he was. 

Rather, he was scared that his angel would have looked at him in disgust if he had found out exactly where Crowley had worked, or even, he would have walked out of his life. Only this thought had held him back so far to tell him the truth.

But now Aziraphale was standing in front of him, who knew what the reason was. Did he know the truth? Who told him anyway? Anathema?

He took a deep breath and tried to look indifferent, of course, only from the outside, and then stepped in front of Aziraphale, who didn't look angry for hidding something from him, he seemed more ...

* 

Aziraphale looked at Crowley questioningly, who seemed a little distracted. He hoped, he didn't caused him any trouble by came here. Maybe he should have told him he was coming? He was a little uncertain.

"Is something wrong, dear?" he asked when Crowley still said nothing. "You look so upset."

"Nyhm." muttered Crowley, then cleared his throat. "No, no, it's okay. Just surprised to see you here. Whoa ... I didn't know you knew where I work."

"You once showed the building." he laughed, then grabbed the red-haired man's left hand. "And downstairs at the reception they told which floor are you on. I wanted to suprise you whith having lunch together today. "

"I ... ehm ..." answered Crowley while he couldn't separate his gaze from Aziraphale's big baby blue eyes. "I was surprised."

Aziraphale came so close, he saw his own reflection in Crowley's glasses.

"I know we haven't had much time lately on each other and I'm sorry about that. In fact I missed you so much. I understand that, because of your work, you are very busy, so I wanted a little alone time with you." his angel continued." I love you very much and if I have only half an hour of the day with you, I accept.

  


* 

  
Is there a prize for the biggest bastard in the world? Because Crowley felt he had every chance of winning it.

It was not enough that he was hiding the truth from Aziraphale, it was his angel who came to please him and apologize. Crowley felt he had a rented place in hell.

He was about to womit if he looked even further into Aziraphale's innocent eyes. So he pulled the other to himself and with his arms he hugged him tightly and put his head on Aziraphale's right shoulder. He could smell the other scent through his coat. Sunlight, tea and honey. He loved it.

"Aziraphale, I have to tell you something."

* 

  
Aziraphale was unexpectedly embraced, but it was very welcome. He hugged Crowley back. But when he heard the other's suddenly seriuos voice, he started to worry a little. He abruptly remembered that damn magazine and the stupid article in it.

_Point 4: When your partner is no longer enthusiastic about the time you can spend together._

He noticed that Crowley didn't seemed enthusiastic about the lunch idea. In fact, he seemed a bit distant. Reticent? Guilty? And this only fed Aziraphale's fears.

* 

"I ... I lied to you. Or ... I didn't tell the truth. It's not better either, but ... ehm .... I didn't wanted you to find out that way. I should have told you earlier. I waited for the right time... but I think I was afraid of what you would say to all about this if you find out." he took a deep breath, then went on. "I know it's nothing, I know. A lot of people do this. Nowdays, it's quite accepted. There is nothing to be ashamed of." he finished.

It was easier to say all this without saw Aziraphale's angelic face. But if he had saw the other's expression on his face - which was a mixture of indignant and frustration - then maybe he would have realized that something was really wrong.

* 

  
_It's nothing?_

_Is it accepted enough?_

_There is nothing to be ashamed of?!_

Aziraphale couldn't believe what he heard. He didn't want to believe what Crowley had just said.

But what he said had finally confirmed his suspicion that the other was unfaithful to him. Moreover, he was talking about it like there was nothing wrong with betrayed Aziraphale in the worst way.

_A lot of people do this._

And this is an excuse for his actions? If others do it, is it all right? Nothing wrong?

Aziraphale shivered in anger. He wanted to yell. He wanted to know, with who Crowley cheated on him, when and where.

How he was able to do this with them, their relationship, their future.

"Say something Aziraphale." asked Crowley.

Aziraphale stared out the window with glassy eyes, over Crowley's shoulder. Then he took a deep breath, wich - hopefully - eased his anger.  


* 

Crowley felt his angel began to tremble. He didn't understand. Then suddenly Aziraphale tore himself out of his arms and grabbed Crowley by the jacket, he pulled him so close that the red-haired man's glasses slid down on his nose.

"What do you want me to say? Thank you for not fooling me anymore? That our relationship didn't mean anything to you if you ruined it?"

Crowley felt as if all the air had been sucked out of his lungs.

"Plus, 'it's nothing'? Then we have very different opinions on this topic. Because I don't think it's nothing!"

Aziraphale felt his anger quench and disappointment take over.

"Why did you do it? If you felt there were problems between us, why didn't you tell me. Be it anything, we would have solved it together." 

His grip eased, then he released Crowley's jacket.

"Or don't you love me anymore? But you shouldn't have done that even if you didn't want to be with me anymore. You could have told me."

According to his angel's words, Crowley began to suspect that something had gone wrong here. But before he could say that, Aziraphale suddenly turned away and hurried toward the door. Crowley rushed after him and slammed the half-opened door in front of Aziraphale. Then he turned his angel towards him and pushed him against the door so he could not escape. He took Aziraphale's hands, to not push him away.

"I don't love you? What are you talking about?" he asked incredulously. "Are you crazy?!"

"What do I think when you just said you cheated on me!"

"I did not cheat on you!"

"You did it! You admitted! I knew it was too good to be true that we are together. It was only a matter of time before you were looking for someone else. You ... you ... fuck! "Aziraphale's voice trembled at the end.

"I. Didn't. Cheat. On. You." growled Crowley.

Even the assumption was absurd for him.

He let go of Aziraphale's hands, then grabbed Aziraphale's head and he almost hissed the next words into his face. "Never, you heard it, I've never cheated on you. I love you, you stupid angel. I only see you. I only need you. I would do anything for you. There is no one on this crappy, mud planet for whom I would replace you. Neither now nor at any other time."

"But then, what was it you confessed?"

A few seconds of silence followed, then ...

"My job. The Pandemonium, what I work for is actually dealing with porn. More specifically, making porn movies." said Crowley and prepared himself for another emotional outbreak.

But Aziraphale just blinked at him.

"And?"

"What?"

"I asked, And?" Aziraphale looked at him expectantly.

"You heard what I just said about my job, right?"

"Yes. You work for the Pandemonium, which produces adult films."

"And other sexual aids ... but that's not the point! Didn't you get a shock? Aren't you disgusted with that?"

Aziraphale removed Crowley's hands from his face. "Why would I be disgusted by this?"

"Because you are like a porcelain cup on a cloud, too pure and innocent to accept such a filthy thing?" he answered uncertainly. "Besides, you told me a little about your past, you came from a terribly religious and conservative family nest."

He was genuinely surprised when Aziraphale unexpectedly laughed. He laughed for long seconds, then struggled to stop, but his eyes continued to shine cheerfully.

"Sweetheart, maybe I should have mentioned that, at the age of twenty-four, I left home permanently because I knew I could never be happy or myself if I had stayed there." said Aziraphale. "Especially not as happy as I am with you.

It took Crowley some time to find his voice. "So, for a year, I wasted my time wondering what you were going to say if you knew what my job is."

"I'd rather say, you lied to me for a year."

"Just to spare you." Crowley said immediately.

"You sly snake." Aziraphale sighed and tried not to laugh again. "My sly snake."

Crowley grinned smugly. "Yours. Only yours. Never question that." then he hugged him.

"I'm sorry I accused you of cheating. I don't even know what hit me ...

"No, don't apologize. It was a misunderstanding." Crowley interjected, then he pulled Aziraphale away from the door. "But what you said "it was too good to be true that we're together ... You know it's not true." then they reached Crowley's desk. "If anyone is a lucky bastard here, then it is me. Because only the almighty knows what I did to deserve you, to be with you."

"Honey ..."

"You're a jackpot, Aziraphale." Crowley continued, then seated his angel on his desk and stepped between the other's legs, so close to him, he could almost felt the heartbeat of Aziraphale's heart on his chest. "Before our relationship, I almost drove to a fire hydrant once, and to that, it was enough to saw you. You already completely fascinated me then. "

Aziraphale blushed.

"I love you, angel." Crowley said, then he leaned forward and kissed him.

But it didn't take long for Aziraphale to pull away.

"Wait." 

Crowley looked at him questioningly. Aziraphale reached up and pushed the glasses between the red curls. Then a pair of eyes became fully visible, wich reminded him of liquid gold. He embranced Crowley's neck.

"Much better." he told him and pulled Crowley to himself, to continue the kiss. He felt long fingers grabbed his waist and then they pressed even closer.

Crowley kissed him deeper and deeper, as if he wanted to make up the last few weeks, then he tilted Aziraphale back on the table and climbed on him. Aziraphale had barely enough time to get a breath, Crowley bit the sensitive spot on his neck which he knew would drive Aziraphale mad. It did.

"Dear ... Crowley." sighed Aziraphale, and his fingers slid beetwen the red curls at the back of his head. And with his other hand, he grabbed his shoulder.

Moments later, Crowley lifted his head contentedly and looked at the hickey on his angel's neck. The collar of Aziraphale's shirt couldn't completely hide it, which he was very pleased with. He always liked marking him, sucking his neck, but most of all he loved to leave marks on his thighs.

Crowley ran his fingers slowly around his neck, on that part he touched with his lips before, and Aziraphale's breath caught. Crowley smiled - his angel once told him he had a tempting to sin smile.

"I want to fuck you on this table, Aziraphale." said Crowley, and saw that his blue eyes widened. "I want my first thought to be your seductive body and sighs every time I enter my office."

Aziraphale didn't answer - verbally. Instead, he pulled Crowley's head to his and he kissed and bit him, then tried to pull off his jacket. Which wasn't easy, because Crowley didn't stay still either.

But after a while he groaned painfully when something hit his forehead. He opened his eyes while Crowley pulled away and saw that Crowley's glasses slid down and hit him.

"Sorry." he murmured, then grabbed his glasses and breathed a small kiss on Aziraphale's forehead.

And, before he could tear off his angel's bow tie with his teeth, there was an outrageous scream from outside, followed by a shouting.

What the ... ?

* 

Crowley has gone through many things at the Pandemonium over the last ten years. For example, when Lilith turned on the fire alarm because she wanted to go to her manicurist, she got an appointment only in the morning, but Bee refused to let her go during work hours. While all the people from the building waited for the firefighters, in the rain, on the opposite sidewalk, Beelzebub hunted down Lilith and broke the freshly applied nails on all her fingers.

Or when, Belial first and last brought his pet - a teacup pig called Kidney - which disappeared ten minutes later.

Everyone searched the beast but it was nowhere. When Crowley returned to his office, he found a tiny collar on the floor - while Raphael was curled up next to that. There was only one word on the collar. Kidney. Since then, Crowley double-checked that the opening was closed on the terrarium.

But there was also the case when Azazel accidentally brought the tax authority around their neck.

Or when, on the nineteenth floor - where the recordings were made - Raum, who was the cameraman, had to separate two actors because they quarreled over Asmodeus. It was an open secret that Asmodeus mixed work with pleasure. The end result was a shattered camera and a black eye. The former one was financially painful for Asmodeus and the latter was physically painful for Raum.

Or when, Dagon didn't get enough caffeine - because the coffee machine was just under maintenance - she handled the files and everything in a semi-coma condition. The result was of this, that a week later, they had a "Bring Your Child" day.

But they also had a pipe break - three times. Total power failure - five times. Work stike - twice.

So when Crowley heard screaming and shouting he wasn't surprised, but he would have liked it if it wasn't something stupid again, especially when he was about to tear off his angel's clothes. It was almost misery to climb down from Aziraphale, but he had to see what was going on out there.

"I'm sorry." growled Crowley and thought seriously.

Aziraphale looked at the ceiling for a while, then he smiled. He sat up on the table. His jacket slipped off one of his shoulders. "Nothing wrong."

"Look, if you want to go, I understand ..."

"No."

"Really? I promise I'll quickly find out what happened out there. I'll be right back."

He tried to get himself back in order with more, less success. And calm down under his waist. He put on his glasses and walked to the door. His hand was already on the handle when he heard Aziraphale's voice.

"Oh, I hope you will. Otherwise, I have to finish what we started without you, sweetheart."

Crowley looked back at him. Aziraphale continued to sit on the table, and the sunlight that shined through the window behind him drew a halo around his almost white hair. His face was flushed. His lips were temptingly swollen from the kisses. There was a trace of Crowley's work on his neck. Even so, he looked like an angel.

Crowley swallowed loudly, tried to remember why he wanted to leave the room at all, when the happiness was ten steps away from him. Then he heard the shouting again and remembered.

"Nyhm." he moaned and slammed the door behind him.

Aziraphale heard the other was running. He laughed, then calmly looked around in the office, which reflected Crowley's style. Then he looked to his left side and yellow eyes looked back at him.

  
* 

  
Crowley reached the screaming crowd at record time. He was angry and horny. Not the best pairing. He would have liked to rip everyone's head off. But he tried to stay calm and assess the situation.

It didn't seemed like a regular debate on the sixteenth floor, which was almost an everyday thing. Because Crowley's colleagues didn't shout at each other like the jackals, but this time the other part was the seventeenth floor. The law firm above them, called Heaven. Gabriel and his minions.

Crowley grimaced. He didn't kept a secret of his opinion of the law firm on the seventeenth floor. They were a bunch of two-color, hypocritical, manipulative assholes. There was Sandalphon, who was a rat. Uriel, whose image must have been in the dictionary next to the haughty word. Michael, the woman was so cold that an iceberg beside her was a volcano. Raziel, who betrayed anyone at the boss if it was in his best interest. Anael, his father was a co-owner at the Heaven, who bought one of the leading position for his son.

But the most arrogant of them was Gabriel. His nickname, Archangel. But according to Crowley, the piece of shit suited him better.

How did Crowley know all about them? He worked for the Heaven for three years before the Pandemonium. Gabriel was his boss at that time. Michael, Uriel and the rest were co-workers. For three years he did a soul-killer, monotonous work, which ended when Beelzebub offered him a job. He quitted instantly, not looked back.

But over the years, not only Crowley had decided that he didn't want to suffer any more. Azazel and Lilith were originally lawyers at the Heaven. Understandable, Gabriel did not accept it well that people were fell from the company. To this day, he thought that Bee seduced the people in a nasty way.

Therefore, the mood between the two companies was quite uneasy. Like now.

Everyone tried to talk at the same time, shouting at the other. Lilith quarreled with Uriel. Sandalphon and Anael were cornered by Azazel and Belial. Crowley noticed that while Gabriel was arguing with Ligur and Hastur, he held an unknown guy by his arm. Crowley recognized him. He was the missing signature. The guy who should have arrived earlier to sign his contract. He was here now.

From what was said, Crowley managed to put together the things, the whathisname - surely he had a name, probably Lance or Len - accidentally went up an extra floor. And Gabriel was so kind - _furious_ \- and brought him back to the right floor. Now, he just explained - _shouted_ \- if once again actors - _whores_ \- roam on his floor, then he will sue the Pandemonium. Then released wathhisname - maybe Ludwig - and folded his arms in front of his chest.

That's great.

It couldn't have been more terrible, thought Crowley.

Before he left it all to the hell, he remembered why it was worth getting the signature of the guy - Luke, Lenox, Leroy.

Because then he could devote his full attention to Aziraphale - who had been neglected for work in recent weeks - who was in his office. On his desk. And maybe he really continued what they had started together. This thought made his mouth dry.

He quickly pulled the contract out of his pocket - it was a little crumpled - and moved forward. He got a pen from Lilith's bun - it was full all the time with everything.

He pulled Raum with him, - Hey! - on whose back he finally signed the contract with ... Lucifer.

* 

"What's this madness?"

Everything and everybody silenced in an instant. Everyone looked at Beelzebub, who walked towards them on the hallway, with a bored face, which stood in stark contrast to the pale, searching blue eyes. When they got to the crowd, it parted like the Red Sea, they walked straight to Gabriel.

"I asked something."

Although Bee was small, the Pandemonium boss easily forced anyone on knees who made the mistake of underestimated Beelzebub. Gabriel also made that mistake once. The consequence was terrible. Since then, Gabriel tried to treat the other one as equal.

Beelzebub also had a nickname: Lord. 

Gabriel cleared his throat and pointed at Lucifer. "This ... actor, was wandered on the seventeenth floor. I don't know whose fault it was this irresponsible, but I do not want our clients to think that we have such dubious, filthy things going on. We are a fair company ...

"As fair as a loaded dice."

"As fair as a nail fungus."

"As fair as the life is."

The sixteenth floor laughed. And Gabriel blushed in anger.

Bee suddenly snapped their fingers, and the laughter ceased quickly.

"Azazel, Asmodeus, Belial. One month overtime." told them Bee, and there were painful moans. "Whould you rather six months?" the painful moans are also quickly disappeared. "Hastur!"

Hastur stepped next to his boss. "Yes?"

"Does this person have a valid contract?" asked Bee, aiming at Lucifer.

Hastur glanced at Crowley, who swung it the contract in front of his nose. He took it out of his hand with a single motion. Then handed over the signed paper, that Bee didn't even look at.

Instead, they reached out and grabbed Gabriel's sickeningly purple tie, pulled it down. As a result, Gabriel looked closely at the emotionless face.

"He is now a Pandemonium employee, who has been treated in a rude treatment." said Bee, and held the tie like a leash.

"Given the shameful filth here, grabbing someone by the arm is nothing compared to that." Uriel interrupted.

"Ha! Gotcha, Uriel, I knew you were watching our movies." exclaimed Lilith smugly.

That was enough for an another argument.

"Rude treatment?" breathed Gabriel, who was bigger and stronger than Beelzebub, but didn't even tried to break Beelzebub's grip. And he didn't know why. He should ask for an appointment from a psychologist on the third floor. Maybe Dr. Eve Godwin could have served an answer to why Gabriel had a hard time to be himself when he comes across with Beelzebub. His usual respectful behavior has slowly evaporated, as many times when the blue eyes looked at him.

Beelzebub pulled him closer by his tie, so the next words did not get lost in the screaming.

"Rude treatment. Of course, it's not what you begged last time. But if your memories have faded, then I'll revive for you. What's your answer, Archangel?"

Whatever was Gabriel's answer, he wasn't quick enough to tell ...

* 

  
Downstairs, at the reception - after the computer had spilled sparks and dense smoke - Newt had finally found the fire extinguisher, but unfortunately too late ...

* 

  
On the sixteenth floor - everyone looked up at the fire alarm as one person - which suddenly turned on and now filled the air with a loud and constant beep noise.

"Lilith!"

"I wasn't me! Not now!"

Then hell broke free.

* 

Breathlessly, Crowley rushed back to his office on the corridor, wich was suddenly flooded by so many people. He pushed everyone out his way, he tried to get to Aziraphale as quickly as possible.

He turned around in the hallway and almost collided with someone. With Aziraphale.

"Angel!" he cried and his heart skipped a beat when he saw what was in Aziraphale's hands. His little potted fern and Raphael.

Crowley took Raphael from him, then grabbed his angel's hand and they headed to the elevators and managed to get into one. Beside them, four others did the same. Aziraphale's back pressed against the wall. Crowley tried not to push the other too hard, which was not that easy, considering six people were crammed into a four-person elevator. Like a sardine box.

"Sorry." muttered Crowley as Raphael crawled into his hair.

"Don't apologize." Aziraphale told him, still holding the fern with his right hand, but with his left hand he caressed Crowley's face. "Anyway, I would note that you have an exciting workplace.

Crowley snorted, but smiled.

"Just the usual."

Aziraphale laughed and hugged Crowley with his free arm.

"Well, it's not as exciting as when all the air conditioners in the building have stopped, but the today was in the top 10." Belial snarled at Crowley's behind.

"It would have been better to leave something to the imagination then." said Lilith, who was trapped between Asmodeus and Dagon.

"Well, yes, I never thought you have a Chinese tatto. But why did you tattooed at yourself the word, soap?"

"It's not soap, it's soul, you root. And maybe if you had paid more attention to fire education, then ..."

"Of course, Lilith, as if you were not ran without thinking, like everyone else." snapped Belial while he moved closer, until he could saw perfectly Aziraphale. "Who is he then? The new porn actor?"

Aziraphale was shocked. Crowley knocked back with his elbow, then heard a pained voice indicating that he hit Belial. But that only meant that he attracted the attention of others. All of them wanted to look over his shoulder at Aziraphale.

"Cute." said Lilith.

"Oh, that's for sure." added Asmodeus. "I would eat him."

"Fuck off, flat lice!" growled Crowley to them, and Raphael who were hiding in his red hair, hissed at them threateningly. "He isn't a porn actor, but a bookseller.

"Are you kidding? So he's a free prey?" asked Asmodeus, then gave Aziraphale a seductive look. "What's your name, sweetie?

"Aziraphale." he said. "Nice to meet you, sir.

"Oh, no such formalities, just call me Asmodeus. Of course, if we were in the bedroom ..."

Crowley's elbow attacked again - this time more strongly - but the other was expected it. The end result was that Belial got another punch between his ribs.

"Shit!" breathed Belial, he groaned in pain as Lilith's laughter filled the small space.

"Why didn't you choose the stairs?" sighed Dagon, who leaned against the elevator's wall, next to Lilith.

"Because we were on the sixteenth floors. I prefer other types of exercise." Asmodeus winked at Aziraphale.

This time, the third blow hit it Asmodeus.

"He's mine. If any of you touch him, I'll break your arms!" hissed Crowley and behaved as defensively as a nailed fence. 

"Seeing that huge hickey on his neck, I think Crowley's head was twisted." said Belial after he had straightened up. "Who would have thought you have a boyfriend."

"Or rather just a friend with extras?" guessed Dagon.

"Maybe his husband." said Lilith, then she focused her attention on her phone again and sent a message to Azazel.

"He's my angel." Crowley gave them a murderous look. 

"Oh, sweet! I'll be diabetic from that." said Asmodeus.

"It will do well with your many sexually transmitted diseases." told him Crowley with a smirk.

"It's a miracle your dick hasn't fallen yet." noted Dagon.

"Dagon, if you wanted to be the next notch on my bed headboard, why didn't you said that." he told her. "Your mysophobia is very sexy."

"Oh, nausea."

Crowley leaned close to Aziraphale's ears.

"I was wrong. I should not have hidden my job, but my colleagues."

"Come on Crowley, they're ... just very lively.

  
* 

  
Aziraphale soon learned how lively Crowley's colleagues were, when Asmodeus started to annoy Lilith with her tattoo, - It's not a soap! - to which she replied with screaming the rest of the way down. It was a nightmare for everyone's ears. Like the Sound of music.

Fortunately, they quickly reached the ground floor. Aziraphale was the first to get out of the elevator, pulled Crowley with him. They almost slipped through the fire-fighting foam, which covered most of the floor.

The whole room looked like winter had arrived.

"Hey, snow."

"It's September, Belial."

"Don't divert the subject."

Dagon pushed him from behind, he slipped and fell. "It's not snow that went into your mouth."

Apart of them, many people managed to get to the ground floor and slipped, as they made their way out of the building. Belial tried to get up, but slipped again and dragged Raum with him, who had just joined to them. Crowley was pleased to see Michael tried to remove the foam from her suit. With little success. Especially, after Azazel tossed lots of foam at her. 

"I swear, another five minutes between these beasts and I'll be sick." Michael shouted angrily.

"For us, your sight is enough." Azazel called back and tossed the foam at Michael further. Raum thanked - in his own way - Belial for pulled him to the ground. On the other side of the room, Beelzebub solved the traffic by sat in Gabriel's neck. Who now yelled at Newt at the reception desk, with others beside him. Newt still had the fire extinguisher in his hands. Next to him, the computer still smoked. It seemed, the foam got everywhere, but not really where it needed to be.

Crowley glanced at Aziraphale, who looked cheerful.

"What?" asked Crowley.

"I'm just happy." he answered, then thought back for the past half hour: he almost strangled Crowley, almost had sex with him on his desk, then the panic over the fire alarm, and then he was called a porn actor. "This morning, I thought you didn't love me anymore."

"Still crazy that you believed this ..."

"To be completely honest, the last thought came from an article in a magazine."

"What magazine?" asked Crowley suspiciously.

"The one you left in the living room, on the coffee table. Specifically it was open there. I thought you wanted to refer to something like that."

Crowley looked at him in disbelief. "Fuck Aziraphale, that wasn't for that there, I just forgot to bring it with me. I wanted to put it in Raphael's terrarium, that he will shit on it." Raphael raised his head when he heard his name and then, after two hisses, returned to the red hair. "You know I like such crap magazines, but that junk was a lot to even for me."

Aziraphale looked at him suspiciously.

"You came home two weeks ago, like you were hiding something, then when I asked you that everything was all right, you said you were tired and then for an hour you screamed at your plants."

Crowley remembered that day.

At that day, he managed to get out of work a little earlier to get to the jewelry store before closing time - where he made a unique ring for Aziraphale. An engagement ring. It took three months, but it was done. When he got home with that, he quckly hid it in a safe place. In a coffee box in the kitchen.

"I'm a victim of circumstances." he finally answered.

Aziraphale smiled.

"You sly snake."

"But your sly snake." Crowley reminded him, and the other's eyes brightened.

He planned to ask his hand during dinner, at his favorite restaurant next week, having already booked a table at the Ritz for weeks, and a damn expensive champagne.

Things will be calmer now.

A few seconds later, a group of firefighters broke into the building and Crowley - unnecessarily - learned that a dose of water ray could throw a man on the ground. Aziraphale was right there next to him on the floor. His angel put his head gently on his lap. And while Crowley was counted the stars - what circled before his eyes, and Aziraphale's voice seemed increasingly distant - there was still time for one last thought ...

"Hell with the plan, I'm going to marry him tonight."

Then he fainted.

  
* 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone who fought their way through the story.  
> A few things:  
> 1\. My story was not based on reality, so I have no idea how fire alarms, fire extinguishers actually work...  
> 2\. ... or how a porn company works inside. ( surely not like this )  
> 3\. About the drawings, I know they have no eyebrows, but at least they have noses.


End file.
